Two Confessions to make

Last week was a really unstable and 'hot' week for me... yes the weather was hot and it makes my blood hot too... than something unexpected happened on Thursday..... I lost my cool... and I unintentionally yelled back at my friend... (the worse part is, he/she is not just an ordinary friend la, he/she is... a good friend la). yes la, I did YELLED BACK at my friend la, I know many people that knows me will say that " Anna, yelling back at people? Hmm... really can't imagine" It's true ok, and I am NOT PROUD nor HAPPY about it!! (I can be MEAN if my WIND is not good) The worse part was, it was in the staffroom and in front of some other people and everyone become quiet suddenly... Really no face!!! Really no eye see!!!

Well, what has been done, has been done there is nothing that I can do to undone what I had already done, there is no point of regretting, nor sorry... just need to let go and not to repeat the same mistake again in the future.

I don't want to blame or pin point at anyone in that incident, the point here was... I lose my cool and yelled back at my friend and that was definitely WRONG in my part. I feel more sad and disappointed in myself than anything that day, cause that shows that I fail in a test as a Buddhist, I fail to apply and practise what was thaught by The Buddha in my daily life... The moment I cool down I realised and think to myself, Oh! Gosh! What had I just done!!! A moment ago???

My volcano just erupted for a few minutes and then it cools down ( Faster than before so got a bit improvement), and than when I went home, the thoughts come into my mind "Silly dumb, why do you get angry so fast? it's not the person or thing that makes you angry but you yourself allow yourself to be angry... Khanti, Khanti (patience, patience) see what have you done now, are you proud of yourself? are you satisfied now? are you happy now?" I look deep into myself and I feel ashamed of myself, here is someone who had gone to meditation retreats, listens to Dhamma talks by various famous Masters, reads Dhamma books, learnt about loving kindness and now... with just one tiny whinny misunderstanding and you blow up!!! Don't you think that I am a hypocrite?

Many people might say "Aiya! Throw temper only ma, everyone also throw out their temper when get angry sometimes la, what is the big deal, why want to make it so big story?" To me different ma, I seldom and almost never yelled at my friends one. not that the person is bad or I hate her/him, no, is just that I am not in the right mind at that time... (That doesn't mean that we had the right to yelled back at people when we are not in good mood ok)

I wonder why... in year 2006 I was in a very much worse situation than this, I met a much more terrible (my friend is far more BETTER that that ex-course mate of mine ok, sorry to make the comparison but I am telling the truth) person than my friend but I did not blow up... I just suffered in silence... not because I am afraid of her, no not at all... but... yeah, I remembered, I was very sad and stressed everyday cause my dad was sick and dying so no energy to layan her silly, funny ways and unstable moods (Every morning black face one...) and she was lucky that she never yelled at me and was not my good friend ... If she ever did that... I will surely BLOW UP in her face!!!

Another confession here is ... I don't have the guts to say that I m sorry for yelling back at my friend yet!!! Too big ego la me... too proud la... Cannot be like this, must change, be selfless... don't think about losing face and image (face and image already spoil beyond repair though!!!).

Next time must be more careful and learn to say SORRY la... too late to say anyway "Perkara sudah basi, buat tak tahu saja la" If only I dares to say that I am SORRY... I would really be proud of myself.....(sigh)

Oh no, wrong. Must not have next time la. When feels angry just go and drink lots of water and be mindful and keep calm don't yelled back at people although they yelled at you!!! Really need to go for meditation retreat as soon as possible!!!! Help!!!!

CASE CLOSED... ANNA, GUILTY AS CHARGED!!!